Dear Reader,

You said sorry to the person who bumped into you.

They stepped into your path, clipped your shoulder, and the word was already out of your mouth. Sorry. Automatic. A little flinch dressed up as manners. You do it at the coffee counter when your order is complicated. You do it in the group chat before you disagree. You open emails with it. Sorry to bother you. Sorry, quick question. Sorry, one more thing. You have apologized for asking, for needing, for taking a beat too long, for having a preference at all.

And most of the time, nothing happened. That is the part worth stopping on. The sorry arrives before the offense, because there is no offense. There's just you, existing, taking up a normal amount of room, and reaching for the word out of pure reflex.

I was a champion of this. I apologized for the weather. I apologized when someone else was wrong, just to smooth the air faster. I'd walk into a room I was invited to and lead with sorry, like my presence was a thing I owed an explanation for. And I called it being polite, being considerate, being low-maintenance. What it actually was, underneath, was a running quiet campaign to make myself smaller than I am, so that no one would ever have to notice me taking up space and decide it was too much.

Here is the truer story underneath the reflex sorry.

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That word is not an apology anymore. It's a flinch. It's the sound you make bracing for a disapproval that mostly isn't coming. Somewhere back there you learned that your needs were an imposition, that your presence had to be pre-forgiven, that the safest way to move through a room was to apologize for being in it before anyone could object. So sorry became your entrance fee. You pay it at the door of every interaction, whether or not anyone's charging.

And here is what the flinch actually costs. Every reflex sorry is a tiny transaction where you hand someone the upper hand they never asked for. You cast yourself as the one who owes and them as the one owed, before a single thing has happened. You shrink first, so no one has to shrink you.

The ego runs this because being the one who apologizes first feels safer than being the one who might get corrected. If you're already sorry, no one can catch you off guard with their disappointment. You beat them to the smallness. It feels like courtesy. It's really just a preemptive crouch.

Here is your one move today. Catch one reflex sorry before it lands and swap it. Sorry to bother you becomes thank you for your time. Sorry I'm late becomes thanks for waiting. Sorry, quick question becomes I have a question. You are not becoming rude. You are stopping the crouch. Gratitude keeps you standing at your full height and hands the other person warmth instead of a debt you invented. The reflex only holds while it's unquestioned. Question one, and it starts to loosen.

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This is your magnetic mindset: you do not apologize for the space you take up. A woman who has stopped flinching moves through the world at her actual size. She asks for things plainly. She disagrees without a cushion of sorry underneath it. She lets her presence be a normal, unremarkable fact instead of a thing she pre-forgives. And the people who find her meet someone who is simply there, fully, unhunched, taking up exactly the room a person takes up. That woman is easy to respect, because she isn't asking permission to exist.

You never needed to be forgiven for being here.

Something to take with you today: Sorry is supposed to mean I hurt you. If nothing happened, the only person that word is shrinking is you.

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Today's reminder: You do not owe an apology for taking up the space a person takes up.

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."

Brené Brown

Something to ask yourself today:

How many times today did I apologize for nothing more than being present, and what would it feel like to just stay standing?

Mindfully Yours,
Magnetic Mindset

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